[Written, or rather voice recorded, on 12/1/11]
Life sometimes seems big. HUGE. Magnificent. Sometimes I feel as if emotions are bubbling inside of me, overflowing to where my human body cannot contain them. I’m happy. Yet I feel like crying, bursting into tears, because of this passion welling deep inside my soul. Maybe it’s my soul crying out to the Creator. Maybe it’s my human body, human soul, catching a glimpse of heaven, of what God feels, of what Jesus feels. I hardly know what to do with myself when such passionate feelings wrestle inside of me, yearning to break free from my rib cage. I can feel my heart beating. Thu-thump. Thu-thump. Thu-thump. I can hear the steadiness of my breath. It’s amazing and yet torturous at the same time. Passion. My soul cries out for the living God. Sometimes, it’s not easy being human, not easy being limited. I pray for vision. That I might see through the Creator’s eyes, and yet I know that if God granted this prayer, my human existence would not be able to contain it. It’s amazing and frightening at the same time. Human. Humanity. Aren’t we all mere souls struggling for eternal breath to fill our lungs? That we might fully know the Creator? At the same time, we know if we truly understood, it would be our death. For how can something so frail, so weak, so pathetic in its existence ever understand the magnitude, the glory, the awesomeness of the Creator. Perhaps, perhaps. It’s our curse. The curse poisoning our existence, limiting our capacity for knowing the Creator. The creation can never fully know the creator. Oh we strive, we long for knowing, for understanding, but we’ll never fully know. Nights like this I sit behind my steering wheel and look out at the stars, at the trees blowing in the wind, and I can’t help but ponder the source of this passion inside my heart. I long to know my Creator, my Savior and yet I struggle with human limitations. To know that I need to know, to know that I want to know but will never fully know. It’s complicated. It’s life. It’s part of being human. Passion, barely contained.